I rather like Sham largely because the person behind it, whose name I've since forgotten, has something of a sense of humor. For example, his 'contact us' page includes
Groupies: If you are writing to enquire after the availability of an NBA player that you either intend to have sex with, or just did have sex with, then please contact us at redhotgroupieloving@shamsports.com. This happens a hell of a lot more often than you may think, and it's great fun for me to read.
If you are an NBA player writing to enquire about where dem hoes at........why the hell are you asking me? Get off the net and walk into any bar/club in America. You'll find someone.
The site was launched as a place to record his personal ambition of writing up scouting reports of every player in the NBA. He's perpetually behind on this quest, and it seems that the exercise of writing so many scouting reports makes him somewhat punchy. Below, for whatever its worth, are what he has to say about various folks now on the Celtics roster:
Tony Allen
A walking turnover and the king of garbage time, Tony Allen is not afraid to gun, in more ways than one.
A far worse shooter than he thinks [he] is, Allen is a decent athlete, both strong and with good leaping ability, and a good defensive player, with offense that borders on atrocious at times, and bloody awesome at others. There's a few too many comma's in that sentence, so give it as many readthroughs as it needs. Is 'readthroughs' a word? Fuck this, I'm stuck in a grammar loop. Whatever. Proceed.
This is all changed, of course, once the game is all but over. At which point he seems to play a lot better. This can be annoying, but can also lead to the funny sight of him posing and trash talking when his team is down by 20. And that never gets old.
Tony Allen has recently learned how to dribble, which has bettered his game in a big way. This means that he can now use his athleticism to his advantage. And this means that he can now play basketball well. It's a beautiful thing
Kevin Garnett
Every now and then, players come along that are described as being able to play every position on the floor. Magic Johnson was one of the few that could, and he did this so well that he was able to go by the rather grandiose nickname of Magic without anybody calling him out on it. Boris Diaw can and has done this, although he hasn't done it well enough to get the grandiose nickname. Antoine Walker (in his prime) and Lamar Odom are two others who have done it, to some degree.
Kevin Garnett has been named in the past as one of these players. It's not true, for he cannot play the guard spots. But to even be considered as one of these players is a testament to quite how skilled he is.
A hall of famer despite his lack of silverware, Garnett is very athletic, very strong, very intense (oh Jesus is he ever intense), and supremely skilled. He can pass and initiate most of the offense. He can play from the high post, the low post, and the perimeter. He can shoot consistently out to about 20 feet, and can hit the occasional three. He has a lethal (LETHAL, I say) turnaround fallaway jumpshot from the post, that no one can block and which goes in at a tremendous rate. He's one of the game's best rebounders. He's a good defender, both on his man and when helping from the weak side. He has every skill in the book, and every fundamental. He makes his teammates and his team better.
And yet people still like to moan at him for not being "clutch", and for only advancing beyond the first round once in his career.
Some people just like to bitch, don't they?
I mean, here we have one of the most unique and gifted players to ever play the game, and all people can do is criticise, be it for his supposed lack of 'leadership' (a copout if ever there was one), or for his huge salaries over the years (is there really anybody more deserving?).
Even that guy that Garnett once accidentally hit with a ball pretended to be seriously hurt in order to piss Garnett off and force him to open his wallet for compensation, when the bastard didn't even have a mere skin contusion.
Kevin Garnett on the court is so intense and consistently amped up/angry that it looks like he might kill someone one day after a foul call. Given that all people do is rag on him mercilessly because they can, I'd say he was pretty freakin' justified.
Then again, he earns 8 figures a year and then some, so that numbs the pain a bit
Eddie House
Eddie House is something of a textbook definition of "one trick pony". House does one thing well - shoot. He can shoot set shots, off the dribble and falling away, and is an elite free throw shooter (even though he hardly takes any).
He's very small, can not get to the rim or finish, has extremely few point guard skills and is not a good defensive player.
But he can shoot. Really, really shoot. That, his very good points-per-minute average and decent quickness, has gotten him a multi-year NBA career. And there's millions of people out there that are extremely jealous.
Fun Eddie House fact that isn't strictly a fact: Eddie House has brothers called Light, Green, Haunted and Boat. Indeed, Eddie's real Christian name is "Brick Shit", but he rightly figured that having "shit" in his name would give negative implications about his game, and that "brick" wasn't the name a jumpshooter would ever want to be referred to.
Kendrick Perkins
Some fans will tell you that Kendrick Perkins is superior to Eddy Curry. Bite your thumb at this people, for these people are wrong.
Bereft of any real ability on offense, Perkins is a good rebounder and a decent post defender, with what is best described as an "ugly as fuck" jumpshot. He has not much touch around the rim and a real affinity for fouling. But he's a good rebounder on both ends, except for the days that he isn't.
So essentially, he's the polar opposite of the aforementioned Eddy Curry. All that they really have in common are extremely hot-and-cold fan bases, and similar heights. And weight problems.
And race, obviously.
Paul Pierce
Pierce is a truly gifted all around player who can pass extremely well, shoot well, rebound very well, penetrate, create, handle the ball, run the offense, and wear a headband. He does all of this from the wing, where he often has a strength advantage over players, while combining that with good athleticism and speed. He has also shown a knack for some clutch play in his career, although not so much lately.
He's not the best defender - although not bad - and his jumpshot will take the occasional night off, but as an all around player he's pretty complete.
He also has this weird knack for being in the background of photographs in one of a number of strange poses. A gift I'd like to think that I shared with Paul. Except that I do it on purpose, because I'm a twat
Scot Pollard
A surefire way to tell when somebody isn't very good at something is when you remember them for other things that they did whilst they were supposed to be doing that something. If that makes sense. Which it doesn't.
To give an example, Scot Pollard isn't very good at basketball. His shooting range is about a foot, although he's hit a few baseline jumpshots in his time. He rebounds fairly well due to his size, but fouls a lot, and his defense is basically limited to being tall and big, which means he can stay in the way of other tall and big players. It's fair to say that Scot Pollard is a very Scot Pollardy type of player.
And that's why you'll find that for the most part, people remember Scot Pollard for his hair, which fluctuates between stupid and gay.
It's nice to see an NBA player with a little pizazz and breaking-the-moldishness, which Scot appears to do. So he gets a point for that. However, that doesn't excuse the dyed blonde mohawk, or indeed some of the other things he's produced over the years, the list of which is too painful to mention.
Just Google it. You'll see.
Bad times.
Leon Powe
Leon Powe's name is pronounced to rhyme with "Show", or Po the Tellytubby, This is disappointing. It should be pronouced "POW!", as in Gasol, or a very lame 60's Batman caption. It carries more authority that way.
Pow (which I'm calling him from now on, just so's you know) is undersized for the NBA game, and has a history of knee trouble despite his young age. He takes charges, blocks shots, and rebounds a bit, but offensively has to somehow overcome the fact that he's just too bloody short for most people's tastes.
Fun Leon POW! fact: He's so anti-passing, that he won't even do a shit on game days
Brian Scalabrine
"Enigma" would be one adjective for Scalabrine. Alternatively, so would "piss poor".
Scalabrine is what you''d be left with if you took a prime Chris Webber, made him white and ginger, and also rid him of any semblance of athleticism and talent.
Brian Scalabrian is eerie in that he does a bit of everything. But you have to be very generous with the words "a bit". Because it's, very literally, a bit.
He'll make a nice pass, once a week.
He'll make a jumpshot, once a week.
He'll make a tough rebound, once a month.
And occasionally, he'll make smart basketball plays and do something correctly.
In the interim periods, though, he'll just stumble around fouling and looking sexy.
And ginger.
2 comments:
I like him because he's British. And because he seems to have an unhealthy fixation on the Celtics.
In relative terms, I thought I was rather complimentary.
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